Many often talk about “healing their inner child.” So often that it has become a laughing stock, insinuating that people are finding justification for spending money on “superficial” things.
I never felt the need to heal my inner child, well, I didn’t think there was a child to heal in the first place. Not until I met nine shining boys that impacted my life in more ways than I expected. That journey began with ZEROBASEONE.
Scrolling and Stumbling Into Magic
One day, I was scrolling through Instagram and I came across a clip of a Korean boy dancing to RuPaul’s “Call Me Mother”, only to find out that the said dancer – named Sung Hanbin- was a contestant in a survival show program called Boys Planet.
I never thought that my fascination with Drag Race and K-Pop would intersect in such a way. This caused a spiral. Like Dorothy to the world of Oz, I was sucked into the world of Boys Planet.
I have been a K-Pop fan for over a decade and I have seen my fair share of idol survival show programs. On paper, Boys Planet seems to be the same as any other audition program; trainees from Korea and all over the globe compete for nine spots in a project idol group. A Hunger Games like battle to the top. But there’s something special about watching this group of boys.
Watching the show as a queer adult, it is heartwarming to see these kids express themselves unapologetically.
Woongi and Seowon dancing to girl group tracks in the trainee dorm. Haruto, a Billy Elliot alum, being the archetype of a dramatic theater kid. The show’s centers, Zhang Hao and Hanbin, and their blossoming relationship.
There’s something joyful about seeing these talented kids on screen.
Queerness and K-Pop has always been a dichotomy for me. Growing up and discovering the genre, I saw a different image of masculinity than what I was used to, something softer, something more romantic. Men in their androgynous garb and makeup, singing and dancing to pop tunes. Every stage and music video was fantastical and theatrical.
The more I indulged with the media in succeeding years, the more the artifice cracked. South Korea is still conservative regarding conversation about gender and sexuality. The older I get, the illusion of K-Pop fades, the more I seek other media that I can relate to.
However, the Hallyu wave seems to have some change in its tides, albeit slowly. Boys Planet might be a signal of that shift.
A Found Family
Fast forward to July 2023, the nine winners of the show (Zhang Hao, Hanbin, Jiwoong, Matthew, Taerae, Ricky, Gyuvin, Gunwook, and Yujin) debuted as ZEROBASEONE. Having followed their journey, I anticipated their debut, and it didn’t take long for me to fall completely in love.
Aside from their amazing discography, it’s hard not to become besotted with this group. Every time I watch their content, warmth fills my heart, and a weight is lifted off my shoulders. The sense of belonging I feel is profound. Is this what they call “healing”?
More specifically, Zhang Hao is the type of role model I wish I had as a child. He’s an overachieving academic, confident in his skills, and unafraid to show his quirks. His love for plushies and cute trinkets, as well as his passion for food and K-Pop, truly stand out. With his sassy quips and gender-fluid traits, he embodies a headstrong personality.
What impresses me most is his willingness to show vulnerability and his strong sense of self.
I often wonder how different my upbringing might have been if someone like Zhang Hao had been around. Perhaps I wouldn’t have hidden my love for the things I cherish. Concerns about being told I “act too much like a girl” might not have weighed so heavily on me.
Feeling apologetic about my opinions or proud of my achievements could have been less daunting. Instead of feeling lonely and small, I might have embraced my true self more fully.
There are also parts of each member that I also wish that my young self would have seen. Hanbin and Jiwoong’s continuous stride towards reaching their dream. Taerae’s wit, talent, and unabashed laughter. Matthew and Gyuvin’s abundance of love and optimism. Ricky and Gunwook’s confidence and self assuredness. Yujin’s passion despite his introverted personality.
Moreover, watching them as a group and interacting with one another fills me with a sense of longing. They shower each other with hugs and touches, unafraid of skinship. Sharing their love for the same interests brings them closer.
Spending time together doing mundane things—like eating and talking—highlights their bond. The laughter they share creates an atmosphere of joy. Simply being together radiates warmth and connection.
As a child, I never had many male friends. Nobody who liked the same things I did. Nobody who I was confident to talk about my life with. I was always afraid about being different. I was afraid that once I show them who I am, they no longer want or accept me.
Seeing boys who openly share affection to each other, boys who allow themselves to cry, boys who just love their friends, I can’t help but feel a bit envious.
ZEROBASEONE makes me nostalgic for a childhood that I have never had.
But meeting them in my mid-20s makes me feel that maybe it’s never too late to live the life that I wanted.
ZEROBASEONE: A Safe Space for All
ZEROBASEONE has become a safe space for many queer people. Going to their Manila concert last October 12 and seeing the amount of queer flags, fanboys, and other members of the community in the show, it was an joyous sight to see. It’s wonderful to be part of an accepting community where people can express their authentic selves, especially as a queer ZEROSE.
There’s always a conversation about assuming an idol’s sexuality in any fandom. I agree that nobody should assume these idols’ sexual identity, nobody should assume anyone’s sexuality in general. You do not owe people an explanation of who you are.
What I do disagree with is a subsection of fans who voice out that “not everything is queer/seen as queer”. But for queer fans, who see the world through their queer eyes, who have queer experiences, everything is queer. That’s how they consume music, art, media; they find small things that they can relate to and see a part of themselves in it.
There’s so much bleakness in the world. If someone finds light in something, who are we to deny that? I don’t love many things, but I genuinely love ZEROBASEONE, and I am glad to see many people find comfort in them as well.
As a lyric in Eternity goes:
I’m sure this moment
It won’t come again
I want to keep
The most sparkly moment of my life
It’s okay if you’re reckless
Because we’re by each other’s side
So I gotta take that word
I want to believe in that dream of eternity
A Message to My Younger Self
The future is uncertain and our time is short. There would come the time that there would be no more albums to collect, no more music videos to watch, and no more concerts to go to. But the memory of those 98 shining boys from Boys Planet will remain.
The laughter and tears, triumphs and challenges, all would be a beautiful story we will look back to.
And to my younger queer self who is still afraid to come out, you can take your time. When you are ready, there will be a community waiting for you who will accept you with open arms. There would also be a group of nine boys who will come to your life; just let them take you on a journey.
They will show you that you are loved and everything will be alright.
